Cravings during Lockdown [A Letter]
It feels surreal, doesn’t it? Like something you would see in a movie. But to think that this is our new normal. What a bizarre turn of events! I feel like I am in denial, and one day I am going to wake up and suddenly realize the enormity of the current situation. Or maybe not. Maybe there is nothing to be dramatic about.
On most days, I am okay. I am constantly occupied by either work or chores. When I do get some free time, books and my new hobbies keep me entertained. Days have turned to weeks, and weeks have turned to months. We might have had our share of bad days, but we have survived. Not bad, right?
Just sometimes…sometimes, I get this feeling I can’t shake off. I don’t know how to explain it to anyone. The closest I could come to explain it is through a quote that I had come across the other day, a quote by Alan Carr talking about the addiction to smoking cigarettes.
He says, “When the nicotine level in your body falls, the Little Nicotine Monster triggers a pang around the stomach area which the Big Monster interprets as: “I want a cigarette.” This is the nicotine trap — the ingenious way that cigarettes turn smokers into slaves. Each cigarette causes the craving for the next, to fill the emptiness caused by the nicotine leaving your body. And so it goes on, ad infinitum.”
If I replace ‘cigarette’ with ‘desire’ (for sex, love, companionship, friendship, whatever), I believe this still holds true. We are all addicted to life and people. And today, I feel the similar sensations as one might do when giving up cigarettes; a physical ache that comes and goes, but constantly demanding to be soothed. It’s weird. It’s so hard to renounce people. And that realization took me by surprise. I am an introvert (though many might not believe it) who likes keeping to myself. I have never given socializing too much thought. I have found it uncomfortable to emote and labeled myself as emotionally unavailable on many accounts. Then why is it any different now? Why the sudden need to go out and be with people when I can stay in and (in Heti’s words) be like little Buddhas, meditating and masturbating, and watching TV. I can attain peace, gain whatever knowledge I am seeking, and I could be whatever I want to be — kind, crazy, smart, or lazy. I shouldn’t be addicted. But I am. Why?
Because others teach you how to be a person. The self-confidence, knowledge, peace, and all that we gain in isolation are only meaningful when it’s to be used in the world.
So I guess it’s ok to give in to this addiction. Give into wanting to, collectively, live boldly, and freely with the sun shining down on us and laughter echoing around the walls of the places that we go.
Stay inside, stay safe, and don’t lose hope. Reach out, build, and nurture connections so that we can meet outside in the real world.
Love, Kavyapriya Sethu
