Leadership and Self-Deception by Arbinger Institute [Book Review]
I always have found business books difficult to finish reading. Some of them come off as preachy. And the others explain concepts that are difficult to comprehend, much less apply them to my life. They are fancy and better off sitting on my bookshelf for people to look at it and be impressed. You know what I am saying. I found business books boring and unrelatable until I read this one — Leadership and Self-Deception by Arbinger Institute.
The title sounds hokey, I admit. But the book is one I would highly recommend to anyone. Here’s why!
The book is written like a story, and in just 200 pages, it does a fantastic job driving the point home. While the story narrates incidents in a business setting, I found that the concepts discussed can be applied to your personal life as well. It made me introspect the day-to-day interaction I have with people, reevaluate how I behave in each of these interactions, and try to change for the better.
(I feel the need to pause here and tell you all that I am no expert, and my explanation of the principles discussed probably won’t do it justice. So please read the book to get more clarity.)
The Box
The book explained the concept of being in or out of a box when we interact with people. And it gave a great example of a man boarding a plane that was not sold but had a few unused seats. The man found a window seat open with a vacant seat beside it and decided to sit there. He placed his briefcase in the empty seat, grabbed the newspaper, and pretended to read. Every time he felt that someone was coming to take the open seat beside him, he would spread the paper wider, hoping to deter them.
In another instance, the same man was traveling with his wife. Due to a mistake, they couldn’t be seated together. While they were trying to sort out a solution with the flight attendant, a woman came up to them and offered her seat, stating the one next to her was vacant. She was happy to sit in any one of their seats.
Two similar situations, but we had observed two different behaviors towards it.
Take a minute to think about how the man viewed the others looking for a seat in the first illustration. And compare it to the woman who helped the same man out by happily exchanging her seat.
In the first case, the man felt that his needs were superior to that of the others. He saw others as mere objects.
In the second case, the woman saw others’ needs as equal to that of hers. She treated other people as people.
The man was in the box, and the woman was out of the box — this reflected on their actions.
Here is where I got to thinking about my own life. Have I behaved irrationally towards people because I wasn’t thinking of them as people? Could I have built better relationships with people if I was out of the box when interacting with them?
At this point, I had more questions than answers. So, I forged on. I wanted to know more about the box, how I get in the box, and how I could get out of it.
Self-betrayal
Have you had ever had the feeling you should step up and do something? A sense you should behave a certain way in a particular instance?
For example, when you see your mother struggling with the chores and get the sense to ask if you could be of any assistance?
Or like when you see your partner upset and have the instinct to sit them down and ask what’s happening?
The second important concept discussed in the book talks about just this. By narrating different instances, it details what happens when you don’t follow this sense you have in situations and how it ultimately leads you to be in the box.
“An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of “self-betrayal.”
When I read the above definition, I took a moment to reflect. Looking around the people around me and the various interactions I have had with them in that week, I listed some of the acts of self-betrayal. The silliest instance to come to my mind was my fight with my mom over a teacup. She brings me tea in the morning as I work from home. I happily finish it and leave it on the desk until nighttime, much to mom’s dismay. Every time I get a glimpse of the cup throughout the day, I think I should get up, take it, and drop it in the kitchen sink. But I always ignore that sense. Later, when my mom sees the used cup sitting at my desk, a fight ensues.
It is not just the act of self-betrayal crucial to identify here. It is also essential to understand what happens after that.
Going back to the above instance, when my mom berated me, I was quick to defend myself. I said I was busy with work, distracted by other important things, and didn’t find the time to do it. I turned it around and told her she was neither understanding nor helpful.
You see what’s happening here. That’s the disastrous effect of self-betrayal. You see the world in a way that justifies your actions. You build yourself in a different light in your head, and you will look for reasons to believe that image of you is justified. In the process, others are often vilified while you come off as a victim.
Ultimately, self-betrayal is how you get into the box.
And when you are in the box, it is not just that you treat others’ needs as inferior to yours. You also blame others first and then find ways to justify the blame so you can be right. And when each of us stays in our own boxes when we interact with others, we inevitably treat each other poorly and allow ourselves to be treated poorly.
Now, think about a big organization. What are some problems that might crop in an organization when colleagues stay in the box? The book might be the key to resolving some of the organizational issues (related to teamwork, satisfaction with work, building mutual trust with stakeholders, etc.) because it teaches everyone to think positively towards themselves and others.
I will admit that at this point in the book, I was slightly upset. It is not easy to admit that I have a problem or that I might be the problem in certain situations, like how the book suggested. But it also made me want to do better. Once again, I forged on.
In the last part of the book, there are many things on how to get out of the box and, most importantly, how to stay out — all practical and useful tips. It suggested I try to stay out of my box and not look for other’s boxes. It encouraged me to acknowledge when I have been in the box, apologize where needed, and keep trying.
I am not going to be rid of my boxes overnight. But I can keep learning the material to do a little better every time.
I highly recommend you read the book. And when you do, I would love to hear your thoughts on it and discuss more.
